Hans-Gert Poettering, a conservative politician allied to Angela Merkel, the German chancellor, has been elected president of the European parliament.

"Wherever we stand politically, whatever commitments and ideas we may have, we are bound by the united will and respect for the identity of our peoples, and ever closer union of our peoples as provided in the treaties," he said.

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[Poettering cherished these words by guzzling an XL sized hamburger and taking a dump on his desk, branding the pile with the European Union flag and clamouring "For the new European race!"]